Robin Clark | Bay Area Coach & Photographer for Women » Coach & Photographer for Women

Take a Step Toward Being the Person You Want to Be With

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When you reflect on your life and SEE…

  • The patterns in who you attract.
  • The dynamics and roles you (largely unconsciously) play out.
  • And your repeated stories and complaints about what you attract…

SUDDENLY IT HITS YOU!

YOU are the common denominator in your life.

You are the ongoing character in the narrative who is orchestrating the vast majority of what manifests in your life.

If you like what’s showing up in your life, great. But if you don’t, then you’re the one who needs to make changes so you can be a different cause in your sequence of cause and effect.

WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO THE MIRROR OF YOUR LIFE?

Several years ago I noticed one of my ongoing complaints was that I kept attracting really guarded men.

I understood that being guarded is a way we create safety for ourselves and that we’re guarded to the extent that we’re scared. Of being vulnerable. Of being seen and judged or rejected. Of feeling pain we’ve buried deep inside. Of insecurity. Of feeling in general.

This made me wonder:

What are these scared, guarded people reflecting back to me about me?

I did some soul-searching and saw that I withheld a lot of what I want to express in life, both in relationships and in other areas of my life (like creativity), because I was afraid of how others would react. I was scared to share my feelings with lovers for fear they’d get overwhelmed (i.e. scared) and run away. I was scared to say what I thought, felt, or believed online for fear of people’s judgment. I was afraid to pursue various aspects of my dreams for fear of failing and this confirming that I actually am the flawed, insecure, helpless girl-woman my ego endlessly tries to convince me that I am.

In looking at this I saw I had a big habit of operating from fear and insecurity, and of looking to others to give me the green light in how much I could be, say, express, or show to them.

No bueno.

And, no wonder I was attracting scared, guarded men to reflect this back to me!

So I decided to experiment with showing up differently.

I began practicing being more expressive, vulnerable, open, emotionally transparent, and creatively adventurous. I made it a point to be forthcoming. To be the first one to say hello. To reach out when I wanted to reach out. To be direct and not play games. Bit by bit, it became easier and I started to gain a greater confidence in expressing myself.

But you don’t really know how far you’ve come with what you’re learning without Life bringing you a test to show you, do you?

So that’s just what Life did and it went like this:

At the end of a second date with a man I really liked, I walked him out to his car. As we were standing on the curb outside of my house I said, “I like you.” He responded by pausing, slowing saying “thank you,” getting in his car, and driving away!

My old self would have felt CRUSHED and spiraled into an insecure tirade of doubt, self-judgment, and worry.

But the person I had become felt energized because I knew I had passed the test! Instead of letting fear inhibit my expression…

I was being who I wanted to be with – direct, warm, centered, open, and available.

I was OK that he didn’t respond how I wanted him to because I saw he wasn’t rejecting me – he was scared, and his fear had nothing to do with me. I could keep on being me – open and available – and either he’d step up and meet me in the place I was at, or someone else would. Which is exactly what happened.

I talk a lot about vulnerability and I absolutely believe that doing vulnerable things will make you a more confident and free human.

But to make deep cause-and-effect level changes in what manifests in your life, you really have to LOOK at what life is reflecting back to you. Without judgment. Without being defensive. Without blame. Without bypassing. Just LOOK into the mirror of your life.

What do you see?

Life is about resonance. Like energy attracts like energy. No matter how much you want to think of yourself as clear, loving, grounded, mature, responsible, available, etc., if you keep attracting something contrary to this, you need to get that these people and situations aren’t in your life to rain on your parade, but to show you something about yourself that you’re not yet seeing. But that you’re ready to see and make a shift with… if you’ll just take an honest look.

You are the common denominator.