A man has been dating and hopefully looking for a lasting connection. In his process of meeting people, trying connections on, and dealing with the inevitable ups and downs that go along with dating he hits a threshold and decides he doesn’t want to date. He wants to meet his wife.
He approaches online dating with a new focus. Each Sunday he takes some time to read women’s profiles. He ignores women who describe themselves as “exploring,” “open,” or looking for something casual and zeros in on women who say they’re ready for something real. He sets up a few coffee dates for the upcoming week, each 30ish minutes, and at the end lets the women know what he feels, and if it’s a no, says something like: It’s been great meeting you. You’re an interesting/warm/etc. person but you’re not the right woman for me. I wish you well in finding what you’re looking for.
Just before the fourth month of doing this each week he meets his woman.
A woman similarly decides she’s done dating and wants to meet her husband. She lets people in her life know this and asks them if they know anyone who would be a good match for her. She goes on many dates telling the men up front that she’s looking for her partner and they’re either it or they’re not and at the end of the date she’ll know one way or another. This goes on for some time until eventually she meets her man.
Can you imagine getting this clear about what you want (whether it’s with relationship, friendship, creativity, finances, health, etc.) and engaging in your life with this level of focus, honesty, and tenacity?
Usually when I tell people these stories, their first reaction is to feel inspired. OMG – you can be that direct? Awesome! A light goes off and I can literally see their mental wheels turning about how they may implement something similar.
But other people, I’d say more than half, quickly shift from excitement into feeling scared about being this clear. They’re afraid of turning people off and then having nothing. They’re afraid of being rejected and feeling abandoned. They’re afraid of letting go of the parts of themselves and their lives that may (very likely) shift if they DO find the thing they’re truly looking for.
TO OUR VULNERBLE & EMPOWERED EVOLUTION
Saying YES to what you truly want deep in your heart – and not to what you think you can have, what you believe you should want, what your friends want, or what feels familiar and safe – is vulnerable.
It asks you to get quiet enough so you can hear yourself in a deep way. It asks you to get into acceptance with yourself about what you want and who you’re becoming. It asks you to let go of at least some of who you’ve been and what you’ve been filling your life with so you can intentionally step into a new chapter with both feet. It asks you to move through shame that may come up about things like whether you deserve to have what you want or for not letting yourself have what you really want sooner. And it asks you to develop new skills – like deep self-love, sharp discernment, vulnerability, and direct communication – which is empowering, but can also feel growing pains-ish to step into.
It’s also mysterious. If you’ve not yet had what you want, how do you attract, let alone become a match for, something brand new? And what will happen when and if this phantom reality manifests? Will you like it? Will it be triggering? Will you feel good enough about yourself to receive it?
I don’t have your answer but I do know that much of what’s truly amazing in my life has happened when I’ve been willing to say what I want, let go of what’s familiar, and step deeper into the mystery.
I think we get unknowingly attached, even to the point of identifying with, certain stages of our development. When we do this we block our psychological and spiritual growth as well as our ability to experience deeper forms of fulfillment. Yesterday I was visiting a sweet friend in Nevada City (pictured above two weeks before giving birth) and got to meet her little boy. He spent most of the evening scooting around, playing with toys, and vigorously working out his arms and legs. He is so excited to move forward in his development! He might not even know that crawling is his next step, but he’s doing everything he can to get himself there fast. Which makes me think…
Perhaps being honest with ourselves about what we really want is how we move ourselves forward too? Hmmm.